They will probably be happier to hear from you than you think.
They want to hear from you more than you expect
In 2022, a group of researchers led by Peggy Liu at the University of Pittsburgh ran a set of studies with more than 5,900 people. Some people sent a short message, a small note or a small gift to someone they hadn’t been in touch with for a while. Then both sides said how they felt about it.
The people reaching out kept underestimating how much the other person appreciated it. And the more surprising the message was, the bigger the gap. So the long silence you feel awkward about is part of why the message feels good to get.
Before you write: what you don’t need
You don’t need a reason. “I was thinking about you” is a reason.
You don’t need to explain the silence. Long apologies make the message heavier and give the other person something to respond to that isn’t the friendship. If you want to acknowledge it, half a sentence is enough: “I know it’s been ages.”
You don’t need a plan for the whole friendship. The first message only has one job: to open the door.
What to write
Short and specific works best. A memory or a detail shows you thought about them, and it gives them something easy to reply to.
A few examples:
- “I just walked past the pizza place we used to go to after exams. Are you still in Turin?”
- “Your name came up today and I realised it’s been way too long. How are you doing?”
- “I found a photo from Giulia’s wedding and had to send it to you. How’s life?”
- “I know it’s been years, but I think about you every time I hear that terrible song from the road trip. How are things?”
If you know something real about their life, use it: “I saw you moved to Berlin! How’s it going?” shows you’re interested in who they are now.
What to skip in the first message
- A long story about your life. Save it for the call.
- “We should catch up sometime!” with nothing after it. It sounds friendly but usually leads nowhere.
- Asking for a favour. If there’s something you need, wait until you’ve reconnected first.
After they reply
Keep the energy easy. Answer their questions, ask one back, and then suggest something concrete and small:
- “Want to have a quick call this weekend?”
- “If you’re ever in Milan, the coffee is on me.”
A call is often better than a long text thread. Twenty minutes of talking does more than two weeks of messages.
If they don’t reply
Don’t read too much into it. People see messages at the wrong moment, mean to answer later, and forget. If there’s nothing after a couple of weeks, one light follow-up is fine: “No pressure, just wanted to say hi again.” After that, leave it. You did the hard part, and the door is open if they want to walk through it.
Keep it from fading again
The first message is the easy part. Most reconnected friendships fade again for the same reason they faded the first time: nothing reminds either of you to keep going.
- Decide roughly how often you’d like to be in touch. Every month? Every few months?
- Write down what they told you, so next time you can ask about their new job or their mum.
- Keep the next contact small. A voice note or a photo is enough to keep the thread alive.
Questions
Is it weird to message someone after years?
Usually not. Most people are pleasantly surprised. The research above suggests they’ll appreciate it more than you expect.
Should I call or text first?
Text first. It lets them answer when they have a moment. Suggest a call once you’ve exchanged a few messages.
What if the friendship ended badly?
That’s a different situation. If there was a fight or something hurtful, it’s usually better to name it briefly and honestly, for example: “I’m sorry about how things ended. I’d love to talk if you’re open to it.” Then let them decide.
Sources
Liu, P. J., Rim, S., Min, L., & Min, K. E. (2022). "The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/pspi0000402. Summary: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2022/07/220711095206.htm SSRN: https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=4115683
Where Ciao! fits
Ciao! is an iPhone app that reminds you to keep in touch with the people you care about. Add the friend you just reconnected with, pick how often you’d like to talk, and it tells you when it’s been a while. It counts from the last time you talked, and it keeps a note of what they told you, so the next message is easy to start. There’s no account, and your first three friends are free.
Get Ciao!