That’s normal, and it isn’t anybody’s fault. When you lived close, you didn’t have to plan anything. You’d bump into each other, grab a coffee after work, sit next to each other at a birthday. Distance takes all of that away, and what’s left only happens if someone makes it happen.
It doesn’t take much to keep one going.
Decide who you really want to keep close
You can’t keep up with everyone the same way, and you don’t have to. Think of three or four people you’d be sad to lose. Those are the friendships worth a little effort. The rest can run on birthdays, holidays and the group chat, and that’s fine.
This sounds cold, but it does the opposite. When you stop feeling vaguely guilty about forty people, it gets much easier to actually show up for four.
Give each friend their own rhythm
A best friend you used to see every day probably needs something every week or two. A university friend you love but were never that close to might be happy with a proper call every couple of months.
Pick a rhythm for each person and keep it loose. “Every two weeks” means roughly every two weeks, not on a Tuesday at 8pm. The point is to notice when it’s been a while, before a month turns into a year.
Small contact counts
A lot of people wait until they have time for a real catch-up, and then that time never comes. Small things keep the thread alive in between:
- A voice note while you walk to the shop.
- A photo of something that made you think of them.
- “Saw this and laughed” with a link.
- A quick “how did the interview go?” when you know they had one.
None of this replaces a real conversation, but it means the next real conversation doesn’t start from zero.
Plan the bigger things
Some things don’t happen unless they’re in a calendar. A monthly video call. A trip once a year. Watching the same match at the same time from two countries.
The trick that works for a lot of people: plan the next visit before the current one ends. “Same time next year?” is much easier to say at the airport than in an email eight months later.
Remember what’s going on in their life
Remembering matters more than talking often. If your friend told you their dad was going into hospital, asking “how is your dad doing?” two weeks later means more than ten random memes.
Write it down somewhere after you talk. A note on your phone is enough. Next time, you’ll know what to ask.
Time zones
If you live hours apart, find the slot that works for both of you and keep it. Sunday morning for one of you and Sunday evening for the other is a classic. Voice notes help a lot here, because neither of you has to be awake at the same time.
When it’s been too long
Sometimes you look up and realise it’s been half a year. The longer you wait, the bigger the message feels, and the bigger it feels, the longer you wait.
Keep it small. You don’t need to explain the silence or write a long apology. Something like “I was just thinking about you. How are things in Lisbon?” is enough. Most people are simply happy to hear from you.
Some friendships will change, and that’s fine
Distance changes some friendships for good. You might go from talking every day to catching up a few times a year, and still be close when you do. That’s not a failure. A friendship that survives on three good calls a year is still a friendship.
Questions
How often should you talk to a long distance friend?
There’s no right number. For your closest friends, something every week or two keeps you in each other’s lives. For good friends, a real catch-up every month or two is plenty. Small messages in between make a big difference.
Can a friendship survive years apart?
Yes. Plenty of friendships do, especially when both people keep some kind of rhythm and see each other when they can. When they end, it’s usually after a long silence that nobody breaks.
What if I’m always the one reaching out?
It happens, and it can hurt. Some people are just bad at starting conversations, even with friends they love. If they’re happy to hear from you and the conversation is good when you talk, it’s often worth carrying a bit more of the effort. If it feels one-sided for a long time, it’s fine to say so, kindly.
Where Ciao! fits
Ciao! is an iPhone app that reminds you to keep in touch with the people you care about. You pick how often you’d like to talk to each friend, and it tells you when it’s been a while. It counts from the last time you talked, so if you already called on Thursday, it won’t remind you on Sunday. It also keeps a note of what they told you, so you know what to ask next time. There’s no account, and your first three friends are free.
Get Ciao!