Going home for the holidays: how to see the friends you grew up with

When you live in another city, or another country, the holiday trip home is often the only time in the year you and your oldest friends are in the same place. It is also the busiest week of the year: dinners with family, relatives you have not seen since last year, and a flight back that comes too soon. Without a plan, the friends get whatever time is left, and on the last night you promise each other to do better next year. 😅

Write a week or two before, not after you land

Your friends have families and plans of their own over the holidays, so the earlier they know your dates, the easier it is to say yes. A short message a week or two before the trip is enough. Give the exact days you are in town, say which ones are already taken by family, and suggest one or two slots that work for you. “Let’s catch up when I’m back” is easy to agree with and easy to never do; “Are you free Friday afternoon?” gets an answer.

Around Thanksgiving, the evening before the holiday is often when most of the people who moved away are back in town at the same time, so it can be a good night for a group plan. Over Christmas, the quieter days between Christmas and New Year’s are usually easier for a coffee or a walk.

One group night, plus time with the one or two closest

A group night is a fun way to see everyone at once, but you rarely get a real conversation with anyone at a crowded table. Plan one evening for the wider group, then keep a coffee, a lunch or a walk for the one or two friends you are closest to. That one-on-one hour is usually the part both of you remember.

Friends with small kids often find a daytime plan easier than a late night out, and sometimes the simplest offer is to come to them. If your family is happy to have people over, inviting a friend for dessert or a drink at your parents’ house fits a visit into a day that is already full. 🥧

The friends who stayed

Some of your friends never left your hometown, and for them the holidays are a normal week with you in it. Ask about their life before you tell them about yours: their work, their partner, the house they are fixing up, their parents. The new city can come up later. The friendship feels much closer when they can tell you are interested in the life they have now, not just the one you shared in high school.

Texts to send before you go

Short and specific works best: your dates, one suggestion, and an easy way to say yes. Tap Copy, change one detail, and send. There are more ready-made messages for every occasion in our texts to send a friend.

After the trip: don’t wait for the next holiday

The visit gives you something to build on. Before you fly back, write down one or two things each friend told you: the new job they start in February, the baby due in spring, the trip they are planning. In a few weeks, that gives you a reason to text that is about them, not about the gap. ✈️

Then pick a pace you can really keep for each person. For your closest friend, a call every month or so may feel right; for the wider group, a message every couple of months can be plenty. The point is to not let the next holiday trip be the only time you talk. For more on that, see the guide on long-distance friendship, and if one of these friends has gone quiet for years, how to reconnect with an old friend.

How Ciao! helps

Ciao! is an iPhone app for keeping close to the friends and family who are no longer part of your everyday life. You add the people who matter, choose how often you would like to talk with each one, and Ciao! tells you when it has been a while, counted from the last time you talked, not from a date in a calendar. When someone is due, you get a short note that evening, and on Sunday a short stack of cards shows who is waiting.

After a holiday trip, log a talk with each friend you saw and pick the day it happened, so their clock starts again from that visit. Each person has a page for short notes, like the new job or the baby due in spring. Set a reminder on a note, and your own words come back on the day you pick, right when it makes sense to ask how it went. If their number is saved, you can open WhatsApp, Messages or a call from their page. Ciao! never reads your chats and never sends a message for you, your friends never know they are in it, and there is no account. 💛

Questions

How do you see all your friends when you’re home for the holidays?

Tell them your dates a week or two ahead, mark which days belong to family, and suggest specific slots. Plan one group evening for the wider circle, and keep a coffee or a walk for the one or two friends you are closest to.

What should you text a friend when you’re coming home?

Give the days you are in town, say which ones are taken, and suggest one plan, such as “Coffee on the 26th?”. A specific offer is easier to answer than “let’s catch up when I’m back”.

How do you keep up with hometown friends after you move away?

Use the holiday visit as a starting point. Note what is coming up in their lives, text about it a few weeks later, and pick a pace you can keep for each friend, such as a call every month or a message every couple of months.

Is there an app that reminds you to text old friends?

Yes. Ciao! is one, for iPhone. You choose how often for each person, and it reminds you when it has been a while, counted from the last talk you log. Notes with a reminder bring back what they told you on the day you pick.