What helps is thinking about it per friend instead of for everyone at once.
Not every friend is the same kind of close
The British anthropologist Robin Dunbar spent years studying how many relationships people can keep up. His research suggests that our relationships come in layers. Roughly:
- about 5 very close people, the ones you’d call in a crisis,
- about 15 good friends,
- about 50 friends you’d invite to a big party,
- about 150 people you know well enough to say hello to and catch up with.
The numbers aren’t exact for everyone, and they include family. But the idea is useful: the closer the layer, the more often you need to be in touch to keep that closeness.
A simple rule of thumb
A rough starting point that works for a lot of people:
- Your closest few: something every week or so. It doesn’t have to be a long call. A few messages, a voice note, a quick “how did it go?” counts.
- Good friends: a real catch-up every two to four weeks.
- Friends you like but see less: every couple of months.
- The wider circle: birthdays, holidays, and when something big happens.
Then adjust. If a friend is going through something hard, move them up for a while. If a friendship is easy and you both like long gaps, leave it.
What counts as talking
People often skip contact because they don’t have time for “a proper catch-up”. But staying close is mostly made of small things:
- replying to their story with a real sentence instead of an emoji,
- sending a photo that reminded you of them,
- asking about the thing they told you last time,
- a five minute call while you walk home.
A good rhythm usually mixes small contact often with a real conversation now and then.
How to keep the rhythm when life gets busy
Most people care. The weeks just pass without anyone noticing. A few things help:
Tie it to something you already do. A call on your Sunday walk. A message on the way to work on Mondays.
Use the moments you have. Waiting for a train is a good time for a voice note.
Write down what they told you. It makes the next conversation easier to start, and it’s the thing friends notice most.
Don’t wait for the perfect moment. A short message now beats a long one you never send.
When you’re the one who always reaches out
Some people are great friends and terrible at starting conversations. If they’re happy when you write and the conversation flows, it’s often worth doing more of the starting. If it feels one-sided for a long time, say so, gently. “I miss hearing from you” is honest without being a complaint.
Signs your rhythm is off
- You only hear about big news in their life weeks later.
- Catching up takes the whole call, with no time to just talk.
- You feel nervous before messaging, because it’s been so long.
None of these mean the friendship is in trouble. They just mean it’s worth getting in touch a bit more often.
Questions
How often should you text your best friend?
As often as feels natural to both of you. Many best friends talk daily, others every few days. If you both feel close and up to date, it’s working.
Is it normal not to talk to friends for months?
Yes, for many friendships it is. Plenty of people go months without talking and pick up right where they left off. It only becomes a problem if one of you starts to feel forgotten.
How often should you see friends in person?
It depends a lot on distance and life stage. For friends nearby, once or twice a month is common. For friends far away, a visit once a year plus regular calls can keep you close.
Sources
Robin Dunbar, "Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships" (Little, Brown, 2021), on the 5, 15, 50, 150 layers. Also explained in his public talks and interviews.
Where Ciao! fits
Ciao! is an iPhone app built around this idea. You choose a rhythm for each friend, like every week, every three weeks or every couple of months, and it tells you when it’s been a while. It counts from the last time you talked, so if you just called someone, it waits. It also keeps a note of what they told you, so you know what to ask next time. There’s no account, and your first three friends are free.
Get Ciao!