Most of what makes a good friend is small and repeatable. In 2004, the psychologists Debra Oswald, Eddie Clark and Cheryl Kelly studied what people do to keep their friendships going. Four kinds of behaviour stood out: being positive, being supportive, being open about yourself, and spending time together. The habits below are everyday versions of those four.
Get in touch first
Don’t wait for a reason, and don’t keep score of who wrote last. People who get in touch tend to underestimate how much the other person appreciates it. A team led by Peggy Liu found this in experiments with more than 5,900 people, and the gap was biggest when the message came out of the blue. We wrote about that research in “Should you reach out to an old friend?”
A first message can be tiny:
- “Saw this and thought of you.”
- “How did the move go?”
- “Random question: are you still doing that pottery class?”
Ask the second question
In 2017, a group of researchers at Harvard studied people getting to know each other, in online chats and on speed dates. The people who asked more questions were liked more, and follow-up questions mattered most. The same researchers found that people don’t expect asking questions to make them more likeable.
A follow-up question shows you heard the first answer. “How was the interview?” is good. “Did they ask about the year you took off in the end?” is better.
Remember what’s going on in their life
A follow-up question needs something to follow up on. If your memory works like most people’s, write it down. A line in your phone’s notes is enough: “Thursday: her mum’s hospital check-up.” Then on Thursday evening, ask how it went. It takes ten seconds, and it tells them you were listening.
Call sometimes
Texting is easy, so most of us stick to it. In a study by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley, people getting back in touch with an old friend expected a phone call to feel more connected than an email, and also more awkward. They were right about the first part. The call wasn’t more awkward.
You don’t need an hour. Ten minutes on a walk counts.
Say the nice thing out loud
When you think something good about a friend, tell them. In an earlier study, Kumar and Epley asked people to write a thank-you letter to someone they were grateful to. The writers underestimated how good the letter would make the other person feel, and overestimated how awkward the other person would feel.
It can be one line: “I still think about how you drove four hours to help me move. Thank you.”
Show up for the big days, even from far away
A lot of being supportive is timing. A message on the morning of an exam, a call the evening after a funeral, a voice note on their first day at a new job. From far away, these moments are how you stay in each other’s lives.
Put birthdays and big dates somewhere you’ll see them. In a 2024 study by Lara Aknin and Gillian Sandstrom, a friend’s birthday was the reason people rated highest for getting back in touch with an old friend.
Give it time
Friendship takes hours. Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas surveyed adults who had recently moved and first-year students who had just arrived at university. His estimate: roughly 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. Hanging out counted more than working together.
You can’t give 200 hours to everyone, and you don’t have to. Pick the few people you want to stay close to, and decide roughly how often you’d like to talk to each one. Our post on how often to talk to your friends has a simple way to do it.
If you feel you’ve been a bad friend
Skip the long apology. It only makes the next message heavier. Start small: “I’ve been terrible at keeping in touch. How are you?” Then keep going.
Questions
What makes someone a good friend?
Research on how friendships last points to four things: being positive, being supportive, being open, and spending time together. Day to day, that looks like getting in touch, listening, being there on the hard days, and making time.
How can I be a better friend to someone who’s struggling?
Offer something specific. “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” is easier to say yes to than “let me know if you need anything”. And keep checking in after the first week.
How can I be a better friend with ADHD?
The habits above still work, with more help from outside your head: a list, a reminder, a fixed moment each week. We wrote a separate post on ADHD and friendships.
Sources
Oswald, D. L., Clark, E. M., & Kelly, C. M. (2004). Friendship maintenance: An analysis of individual and dyad behaviors. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 23(3), 413-441. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.23.3.413.35460
Liu, P. J., Rim, S., Min, L., & Min, K. E. (2023). The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 124(4), 754-771. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000402
Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430-452. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000097
Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2021). It's surprisingly nice to hear you: Misunderstanding the impact of communication media can lead to suboptimal choices of how to connect with others. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 150(3), 595-607. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000962 Summary: https://news.mccombs.utexas.edu/research/when-we-fear-an-awkward-phone-call-we-often-turn-to-text/
Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2018). Undervaluing gratitude: Expressers misunderstand the consequences of showing appreciation. Psychological Science, 29(9), 1423-1435. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797618772506
Aknin, L. B., & Sandstrom, G. M. (2024). People are surprisingly hesitant to reach out to old friends. Communications Psychology, 2, 34. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44271-024-00075-8
Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278-1296. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225 The hour figures: https://news.ku.edu/2018/03/06/study-reveals-number-hours-it-takes-make-friend
Where Ciao! fits
Ciao! is an iPhone app that helps with the getting-in-touch part. You choose how often you’d like to hear from each person, and it counts from the last time you talked, not from a date in a calendar. When it’s been a while, you get a note that evening. You can write down what’s going on in their life, and if you set a reminder on a note, your own words come back on the day. There’s no account to make, and the Yearly plan starts with a 7-day free trial.
Get Ciao!