How to remember what your friends tell you

You can remember how a call felt for a long time. The details go much faster: the name of her new boss, the day of his operation, whether the flat they wanted came through. If you talk every few weeks, or every few months because you live in different places, that’s more than enough time for them to slip away.

Everyone’s memory works like this, including people who care a lot about their friends. So don’t try to remember harder. Write it down somewhere you’ll see it again.

Why the small details matter

The details are what let you ask a real question next time. In a 2017 study, a team of researchers looked at people getting to know each other in online chats and on speed dates. People who asked more questions were liked more, especially when they asked follow-up questions. Asking questions made people come across as better listeners who understood and cared, and that explained why they were liked. The researchers also found that people don’t expect asking questions to make them more likeable.

A follow-up question needs something to follow up on. “How are you?” is fine. “Did you hear back from the school in the end?” tells them you remembered.

Write one line after you talk

The best moment is just after you hang up, or when you put the phone down after a long chat. Your head is still full of it, and one line takes ten seconds. If you leave it for the evening, it usually doesn’t happen.

Keep it short enough that you’ll actually do it every time:

• “New job at the bank starts in January. Nervous about the commute.”
• “Dad’s hip operation on the 12th.”
• “They got the dog. She’s called Pepa.”

Where you write it matters less than writing it in the same place each time. The notes app on your phone works, with one note per person or one long note with everyone in it. A paper notebook works if you always have it. What doesn’t work is a different place every time, because then you’ll never find it before the next call.

What’s worth writing down

You’re not writing a diary of the friendship. Most of a conversation can go. Keep the things you’d want to ask about later:

• Anything with a date ahead of it: an interview, a move, an exam, a hospital appointment, a trip.
• New names in their life: a partner, a baby, a flatmate, a colleague they keep mentioning.
• What they were worried about, and what they were looking forward to.
• Something you said you’d do, like sending a recipe or a photo.
• Something they recommended to you, so you can tell them what you thought.

Write it kindly, as if they might read it over your shoulder. “Worried about her mum” is enough. You don’t need the whole story, only enough to ask about it.

Read it before you get in touch

This step is the easiest to skip, and it’s the one that makes the habit worth it. Before you call or write to someone, open their line and read the last thing you wrote. It takes a few seconds, and it turns “hey, how’s it going?” into a question they want to answer.

If you wrote “starting at the new school in September”, your next message can be “How are the kids finding the new school?” If you wrote “thinking about leaving London”, you can ask whether they’ve decided. You don’t need to mention that you wrote it down. You remembered, and that’s what they’ll notice.

Put a reminder on anything with a date

Some things can’t wait for your next call. If your friend has an interview on Thursday, a message on Thursday evening means much more than one three weeks later. What to write if they got it, if they didn’t, or if they’re still waiting is in how to check in after a friend’s job interview. So when a note has a day attached, add a reminder for that day as well, in your phone’s Reminders app or your calendar. Copy your note into the reminder, so you know straight away what it’s about.

For birthdays it’s the same idea. Our guide to remembering your friends’ birthdays goes through the simplest ways to set that up.

When you only talk once in a while

Notes help most with the people you hear from least, the old flatmate in another country or the cousin you call twice a year. With them, it’s also easy to lose track of how long it’s been since you last spoke. A note with a date on it does both jobs. We wrote a separate guide on how to keep track of when you last talked to someone, and one on how often to talk to your friends if you’re not sure what rhythm suits each person.

Remembering what’s going on in someone’s life is one of the small habits in our post on how to be a better friend, next to getting in touch first and calling now and then.

Doing it with Ciao!

Ciao! is the app I make for keeping in touch, and notes are part of it. Every person has their own page. When you log a talk, you can add a short line about what’s going on. Their page shows your notes newest first, so you can read the last one before you write to them. If you set a reminder on a note, your own words come back as a notification on the day you pick. Without a reminder, a note stays on their page and doesn’t come back by itself. Old notes don’t show on the Sunday cards or in the widget, and a note only appears on your lock screen if you set a reminder on it. You can read more about how notes work in Ciao!.

It can’t read your chats, so you write the line yourself, and it never sends anything for you. The other person never knows they’re in the app. There’s no account, and your notes stay on your phone and in your own iCloud.

Questions

How do you remember details about your friends?

Write one short line after each call or visit, always in the same place, and read it before you next get in touch. Keep only what you’d want to ask about later, like an interview, a move or a new name in their life.

Is it weird to keep notes about your friends?

Not really. It’s no different from writing a birthday in a calendar, and most people are glad when you ask how their interview went. Keep the notes kind and short, and keep them private.

Is there an app to keep notes about friends?

Yes. Your phone’s notes app is enough to start. Ciao! is an iPhone app that keeps a short note on each person’s page and can remind you about one on the day you choose. We compare it with many others in our list of apps to keep in touch with friends.